Juxtaposition: pregnancy & miscarriages

I’ve been going along later in this pregnancy without much thought of the “bad” things that could happen.  In the beginning it was really tough.  I fought with myself about being too comfortable because the chance of miscarriage still seemed likely (given the previous 5 pregnancies…); however, I needed to rest in God’s perfect plan.  I felt this way until about halfway through the pregnancy.  It wasn’t until I felt the baby moving regularly that I started to think this could/would actually happen.  That we’d have a baby girl in April-ish (yes, a GIRL!).  So here I’ve sat.  But then God reminded me.

In the last week or so I’ve had multiple conversations with people about miscarriage.  I also found the journal I started when everything was unfolding (as I am trying to organize and pack my house for our move next week!).  It has been a good reminder for me about where God has chosen to use my story.  I don’t want anyone to go through what we have been through.  But I know there are other women (and men) out there trying to grieve.  I realize we won’t all do it the same way or in the same timing, but I wanted to share my journal from those hard times to help in any way God has enabled me.  (some of this might sound familiar as I’ve written other blog posts that have some of the same references)

2015.Feb.17
…I don’t know how to mourn or grieve or really, truly process this experience.  I thank God that he gave me the biology background and the understanding that he made our bodies this way that they’d “reject” unhealthy pregnancies.  The doctor told us that 60% of sperm and egg meetings end in spontaneous miscarriage.  It drops down to 5% once you reach 8 weeks and see a heartbeat.
I understand biologically, I’m just not sure where I am in my heart or mentally.  I’m not mad or angry right now.  Maybe just questioning why?  I know His plan is better, I’m just trying to wait patiently to see what His plan is…

2015.Feb.18 (only one day later…)
Philippians 4:4-7 “Rejoice in the Lord always.  I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all.  The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understand, will guard your hears and minds in Christ Jesus.”
This is the only reason I’m ok right now.  I’m rejoicing in the Lord! I cannot be anxious. I have NO control. I sometimes (a lot of the time…) like to think I do, but in reality, it all the Lord’s. He truly has given me a peace which transcends understanding and for that I am SO thankful.
At the end of Isaiah 50 it says:
“Behold all you who kindle a fire,
who equip yourselves with burning torches!
walk by the light of your fire,
and by the torches you have kindled!
This you have from my hand:
you shall lie down in torment.”
Am I trying to be self-reliant through any of this?  If so, I’ve lost sight of Jesus. He calls me to himself and tells me he wants to bear my sin.  He, ALONE, can be my eternal life and the HOPE that is to come.
Isaiah 50:10
“Who among you fears the Lord
and obeys the voice of his servant?
Let him who walks in darkness
and has no light
Trust in the name of the Lord
and rely on his God.”
THIS IS SO MUCH BETTER!  TRUST HIM!  RELY ON HIM!  AND NOT ON MY OWN UNDERSTANDING!
My heart and my mind are guarded in Jesus!

2015.Sept.20
Took a pregnancy test yesterday morning…it was positive!  I’m having a hard time knowing how excited to get about all of it though because of what happened in February.  Psalm 57 was the message in church this morning.  David is in the cave hiding from Saul who’s trying to take his life and he writes:
“Be merciful to me, O God, be merciful to me,
for in you my soul takes refuge;
in the shadow of your wings I will take refuge
till the storms of destruction pass by.
I cry out to God Most High,
to God who fulfills his purpose for me.”
How comforting to know that my God is in control. no. matter. what.  Please let that truth rest in my heart and head over the next couple months.  No matter what happens with this pregnancy.

2015.Oct.23
Yesterday we had what I thought was going to be an 8.5 week checkup where we would get to see a heatbeat…there was no heartbeat.  There was the sac (with extra fluid around it) and a baby that looked like it had stopped growing around 7 weeks…again.  It all seemed very familiar.  Bur I am still having a hard time believing that this is happening again.  However, yesterday afternoon I shed a lot of tears.  Some happy, some sad.  Happy because I listened to a podcast by John Piper about whether these babies are in heaven.  He says they are.  How amazing to think about our 3 little ones rejoicing in some way in heaven with Jesus already.  Then I listened to another podcast by Randy Alcorn (#363) and he throws out the idea that maybe I’ll get to raise these babies on the New Earth.  Now, although I don’t know if that’s true or not, that would sure be incredible.  And that’s encouraging.  So right now, I’m just finding my hope in Jesus.  A friend pointed me to Romans 5:1-5 “Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, ² through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we boast in the hope of the glory of God. ³ Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; ⁴ perseverance, character; and character, hope. ⁵ And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us.”
HOW AMAZING!  I have hope!  I have the Spirit! I have Jesus.  That is all I need. And yet he gave me Jeff (my husband).  He gave me Cutes (my 1st child).  And now He’s given me 3 babies who didn’t make it.  But I have hope.  And he might not give us another child.  And that is ok.  Because I have Jesus.  I have His love.  And that is all I need.

That’s all I physically wrote, but a lot more about my journey is in the previous blog posts.

My grieving isn’t finished.  I don’t think it ever will be.  A part of my family isn’t here with me.  However, I will rejoice in what God has given me on this earth and I look forward to eternity with Him. I’ll just have to wait and see what He has in store for us as the New Earth is formed and His perfect plan is completed.

Blowing bubbles on the porch

Got a new bike! First time riding the Silver Comet

Baby likes to hang out on the right…

Glowing jewelry just for fun

#StartAsking National Infertility Awareness Week

After having absolutely no trouble getting pregnant with Cutes and then the most uneventful pregnancy possible – literally nothing (well, unless you count her being breech and the doctors having to cut her out of me, but that’s another subject for another day…) – I didn’t dream we’d have any major issues getting pregnant with the second kiddo.

I was wrong. Five miscarriages later I’m here to tell you otherwise.  I haven’t shared my story with the world, but I’m so thankful for family and friends who have prayed for us and supported us through the last two years of these ups and downs.  So here’s the story (and a warning that I’m going to share some potential TMI detail):

November 2014 we took a positive pregnancy test at home.  Got excited.  Didn’t know how else to react!  Right before Thanksgiving I miscarried.  That one they called a “chemical pregnancy” and I didn’t really know what that was.  Next cycle it happened again totally by chance…I had never been regular, so voila! Again, pregnancy test at home.  Positive test so I scheduled by labs to examine my blood.  Looked good!  Went in for the six week ultrasound to see how everything looked.  Looked good again!  Went back in for the eight week ultrasound in February 2015.  Nothing. No heart beat. There was the remnant of my baby. I was so sad.  I cried for hours that day.  But then I went looking for some comfort from Jesus.  He led me to some of my favorite pastors.  John Piper had a podcast on babies that don’t make it.  I was comforted by his words that I will probably get to meet my babies in heaven.  What that looks like no one knows, but it is still wonderful to think about.  And Randy Alcorn had a podcast linked that said maybe we’ll get to have our whole family reunited on the new earth.  So sweet to think that with Jesus there is eternal hope. For everyone who knows Him.  And through it all I have been resting in Philippians 4:6-7 “6Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.. 7And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus..”

Peace that surpasses comprehension is the way another version puts it.  I have that peace and He’s been guarding my mind.  I do not understand why God is doing this, but I’m resting in Him.  Resting in knowing that He’s working good in some way that I don’t think I will understand this side of heaven and the new earth.  But I will rest and I will trust.

And we continue… I didn’t get pregnant all summer long.  We decided in August that maybe we should try some ovulation testing.  So in September I got a positive (literally a smiley face) and later a positive pregnancy test.  I was excited again, but apprehensive.  We’ve been down this road.  So I waited until I thought I was about six or so weeks and got the labs done again.  Looked good!  I decided to just wait until the eight week ultrasound and we went in.  Again, no heart beat.  Another remnant of what had been a growing baby up until seven weeks (miscarried October 2015).  Again, sadness, but peace because I was resting in Him.  I still cried a lot that afternoon but I felt hopeful.  Not necessarily in the fact that we’d have another kiddo, but hopeful in Jesus and his eternal promises. And that’s the best feeling ever.

We waited a few cycles then did another round of ovulation testing at home: smiley face followed by a positive pregnancy test.  More labs.  First round of numbers didn’t look great, but you have to see if they double, so in I went.  Before I could even get the results back from the doctor, I started bleeding.  This was hard, but I felt like God was gracious in letting me start bleeding on my own without the doctor telling me I would start…and then again, since this one was classified as a chemical miscarriage, no one really advised us to wait, so we did another round of ovulation testing at home with the same result.  That leads me to where we are currently.  I just had my third chemical miscarriage.  That one put me at the end of my procrastinating in calling a specialist.

This morning we went to a reproductive specialist.  It was a very encouraging conversation and now we’re getting blood work done and they’re looking into what might be going wrong with the general keeping of the baby.  I obviously have no trouble getting pregnant, but can’t get past the seven week mark – yet I have a healthy three-year-old at home.  There are quite a few possibilities, but also a 40% chance that they won’t figure out what is making it hard for me to carry past seven weeks.  I haven’t processed that.  Hopefully I’ll remember to write about all of that and our journey here in the future.

One of the things that I think I’ve learned through all of this is how to be more thankful for Cutes.  I think she’d make a great big sister, but that’s not up to me at this point (it never has been, but it seemed like it was).  I have been trying to remind myself first to be thankful for her.  I can’t let my sadness outweigh that at any point.  I know I can be sad and, trust me, I have taken that liberty, but I also want to remember even in the midst of my sadness how blessed I am to be her mom first.  Then as long as I have the right perspective, I can move forward in my grief.

I wanted to document that for myself, but also share because I know I’m not alone in this journey of miscarriage and infertility.  This week is National Infertility Awareness Week so I wanted to make as many as I could aware of my situation.

Love in Him,

Corey

#1in8 #NIAW #StartAsking

http://www.resolve.org/national-infertility-awareness-week/home-page.html

And because I just can’t resist a Cutes pic, here’s one from our trip to Puerto Rico back in January: